Forms of Abuse

A little over a year ago, when I first told a few people that my husband and I were separating because of his pornography use, our LDS Elder's Quorum president at the time responded, "I always advocate staying together to work things out unless there's abuse."  It struck a nerve since that is definitely a standard kind of response, especially in a faith that highly discourages divorce.  It struck a nerve too because... of course I wanted to stay together to work things out!  That's what I had been doing for the last 10 years.  But most of all, it struck a nerve in me because I knew deep down that I was in an abusive relationship.  I had no bruises, and I couldn't even pick out specific examples at the time.  But I knew it was abusive, and I knew that I had to get away to heal and see if my husband could actually make any kind of real change.  And so, in response to this well-intentioned Elder's Quorum president, I did what I had done SO many times... I googled pornography and abuse, infidelity and abuse, cheating and abuse, etc... just looking for an article, a blog, a quote, something that would describe how my whole marriage had been abusive.  Nothing really answered my questions deep down, but I found a little article talking about how sex addiction is just spouse abuse in disguise, and I sent it to him.  I knew it wouldn't convince him...it didn't really convince me.  But it was the only explanation I could find at the time.

In the weeks following our separation, I started discovering so many things about my life that were so much better and ways that I felt so much safer.  I shared a couple of them with my therapist, and she said, "I didn't know that these things were part of your marriage.  Do you know why you haven't mentioned them before?"  I didn't know, of course.  I just told her that I had never really thought about them before now.  She then told me how important it would be for me to explore this further so that I could identify these things for my own personal understanding and growth.

I took her words to heart, and I started searching some more.  Finally, I came across a whole list of different types of abuse with examples to clarify understanding.  Finally, I had names for the things that had felt so wrong from the first hours of our marriage.  Finally, I started to have some light and understanding.  It was so freeing and so empowering to learn that I was not crazy after all.  I was actually allowed to not feel okay about all of these things!!!

Just a quick note here: this is not a blog meant to convince women to divorce their sex addict husbands because they are all abusive and horrible or anything like that.  I actually don't feel that way at all.  I think that every single addict, addict's spouse, and every single couple is vastly different, and so the amount of abuse will be different in every circumstance.  The route to safety is also unique to each situation.  However, I have learned so very much from other fabulous WoPA (Wives of Porn Addicts) blogs that I want to see if I can help pass that kind of light and support on to others as well.  I hope this blog will be the blog I so desperately searched for all those times -- a resource to let spouses know that yes! Infidelity (physical, emotional, or virtual) is abusive.  No!  Just because porn use and masturbation are common does not make them acceptable.  And No!  I am not crazy, no matter how much my spouse makes me feel that way.

Here is the description of various forms of abuse that I came across that day, courtesy of Joyful Heart Foundation:

Domestic violence is often more than just physical abuse. It encompasses sexual, emotional, economic and psychological violence. Initially, identifying the signs of an abusive relationship can be difficult, especially if the abuser uses subtle tactics to gain power and control.  It is very common for survivors to recognize the beginning of the abuse as the first time the abusers hit them, but really the cycle of violence may have started early on in the relationship. Perpetrators tend to be charming and very convincing when exerting power and control tactics. However, understanding common occurrences or patterns in an unhealthy relationship and being able to begin an informed conversation is a major step to healing and helping others to join in understanding why and how domestic violence occurs.

Common signs of an abusive relationship are if one or both partners:

• Prevents contact and communication with friends and family
• Controls money and important identification, such as driver’s licenses and passports
• Causes embarrassment with bad names and put-downs
• Critical about survivors appearance and/or behavior
• Attempts to control what partner wears
• Has unrealistic expectations, like partner being available at all times
• Threatens to take away or hurt the children
• Acts like abuse is not a big deal, or denies it’s happening
• Plays mind games to place blame on the survivor
• Destroys property or threatens to kill pets
• Intimidates with guns, knives or other weapons
• Shoves, slaps, chokes, hits or forces sexual acts
• Threatens to commit suicide

 Often, it can be difficult to identify what types of abuse are and what constitutes each type of abuse. These are some telltale signs of physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse:

• Physical. any use of force that causes pain or injury such as, hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.. This type of abuse also includes the use of weapons, denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.
• Sexual. Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
• Emotional. Any pattern of behavior that causes emotional pain that can include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, being unfaithful, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.  Perpetrators may also be emotionally neglectful, such as not expressing feelings or respecting the survivor’s feelings and opinions.
• Economic. Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment. Forcing a survivor to use his or her credit to rack up debt is also very common and can present problems in the future when attempting to obtain credit.
• Psychological. Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Know the Signs

Domestic violence is often more than just physical abuse. It encompasses sexual, emotional, economic and psychological violence. Initially, identifying the signs of an abusive relationship can be difficult, especially if the abuser uses subtle tactics to gain power and control.  It is very common for survivors to recognize the beginning of the abuse as the first time the abusers hit them, but really the cycle of violence may have started early on in the relationship. Perpetrators tend to be charming and very convincing when exerting power and control tactics. However, understanding common occurrences or patterns in an unhealthy relationship and being able to begin an informed conversation is a major step to healing and helping others to join in understanding why and how domestic violence occurs.

Common signs of an abusive relationship are if one or both partners:

• Prevents contact and communication with friends and family
• Controls money and important identification, such as driver’s licenses and passports
• Causes embarrassment with bad names and put-downs
• Critical about survivors appearance and/or behavior
• Attempts to control what partner wears
• Has unrealistic expectations, like partner being available at all times
• Threatens to take away or hurt the children
• Acts like abuse is not a big deal, or denies it’s happening
• Plays mind games to place blame on the survivor
• Destroys property or threatens to kill pets
• Intimidates with guns, knives or other weapons
• Shoves, slaps, chokes, hits or forces sexual acts
• Threatens to commit suicide

 Often, it can be difficult to identify what types of abuse are and what constitutes each type of abuse. These are some telltale signs of physical, sexual, emotional, economic and psychological abuse:

• Physical. any use of force that causes pain or injury such as, hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc.. This type of abuse also includes the use of weapons, denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.
• Sexual. Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
• Emotional. Any pattern of behavior that causes emotional pain that can include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, being unfaithful, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.  Perpetrators may also be emotionally neglectful, such as not expressing feelings or respecting the survivor’s feelings and opinions.
• Economic. Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment. Forcing a survivor to use his or her credit to rack up debt is also very common and can present problems in the future when attempting to obtain credit.
• Psychological. Elements include—but are not limited to—causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

This information was like the sun suddenly burst forth from behind the clouds for me!  I was not crazy, in fact, that feeling was part of my abuse.  This information set me on the path of healing I am currently trying to walk.  I have a growing belief that the Savior truly has power to heal all our sorrows through the Atonement.  I am learning about the helps available to any of us in an abusive relationship: there is help through therapists, support groups, crisis centers, and numerous other resources, and I am learning how Jesus Christ can help me heal as I access my resources in faith.  It doesn't always feel like it, but I am not alone.

Riley